Reviewing the latest polling results, earlier today Conservative Party leader, Erin O’Toole, declared victory in #Elxn44. Despite the fact that the official election day is still 26 days away, the Tory leader stated that it is clear that his party — the new name of which, he enthusiastically told Canadians this morning, would be the Taliban Party of Canuckistan — would triumph at the polls, declaring the election over, and appointing himself as the “new head of state” of the new, independent republic of the holy state of Canuckistan.
Victory! | Erin O’Toole, the President of the new independent, holy state of Canuckistan
In his victory speech this morning, the once-and-forever President of the independent, holy state of the newly named country of Canuckistan, today “The Toole”, as he likes to be called, addressed loyal Taliban supporters …
“Today is a great day! The new, independent, holy state of Canuckistan will be returned to its rightful place on the world stage, standing side by side with authoritarian leaders and nations who share our values: Belarus leader Alexander Lukashenko; Haji Waddaulah, the Sultan of Brunei; Xi Jinping, the President of China; Ali Khamenei; President of North Korea, Kim Jong-un; Vladimir Putin, President of Russia; Recep Erdoğan, Prime Minister of Turkey; Losang Jamcan, Chairman of Tibet; and General Abdel Fattah Abdelrahman Burhan, the once-and-forever President of Sudan; among a host of other authoritarian leaders ruling across the globe.
Mark this day on your calendar! Today, as my good friend, Premier Jason Kenney has done in the newly-named state of Albertistan, I am declaring that the COVID-19 pandemic is over! Today is a day for us all to rejoice! No more masks, ever! No more vaccines! No more lockdowns! The Taliban Party of Canada is bringing back your freedom and independence, a return to the life you so cherished before the declaration of so-called COVID-19 — I mean, did you ever really believe that there was such a thing as a “pandemic”? I didn’t. Quite simply, it was a government-inspired hoax!”
“Now down to the business of state: no more damn, dirty child care centres. A woman’s place is in the kitchen, barefoot, pregnant and entirely dependent on her husband! And because seniors have failed to support us in this election, we will retroactively move the retirement age to 80 — and eliminate the Guaranteed Income Supplement & all other needless supports for seniors. Decrease the surplus population, we say — if you can’t contribute to the economy, your time is on this planet is done!”
“Climate change? Ain’t no such thing! Drill, drill, drill baby. And while we’re at it, let’s revive the coal industry once and for all, and get rid of that damnable “carbon tax” & tax the communists who drive electric cars.”
“Gays, did you say, gays! We don’t like ’em, never have, never will — no wonder our party didn’t support the banning of God-inspired conversion therapy. And no more of those pervert, so-called “trans” folks in the military — just like our spiritual leader, the once-and-forever American President, Donald Trump, who had the U.S. election stolen from him — we’ll be rooting out those perverts, and sending them to re-education camps and, quite obviously, for much-needed conversion therapy.”
Yes, it’s a new and glorious day in the newly-named state of Canuckistan!
“The Toole” went on to assure Canuckistans that our nation state will adhere to the Darwinian “survival of the fittest” ethos; eliminate taxes for corporations and the wealthy; get rid of the Child Care Benefit (“If you can’t afford children, don’t have ’em”); reinstate the wrongfully-removed Canadian generals; repeal the Canadian Human Right Act; declare the country a republic; remove Mary Simon as Governor General and install Stephen Harper in the newly-created Canuckistan position of Prime Minister; dismiss the justices sitting on the Supreme Court of Canada; move toward the independence and separation of Québec (“We don’t like those Frenchies, anyway, don’t want ’em, don’t need ’em”); will charge Justin Trudeau, Jagmeet Singh and Yves-François Blanchet with treason, and have them imprisoned with all possible haste, while welcoming Maxime Bernier into a prominent position within the new republican government.
In a three-hour speech, “The Toole” went on to tell Canuckistans that his government will serve the interests only of those who voted for him (“Everyone else is an enemy of the state. God help ’em, cuz we surely won’t. Donald Trump taught us that!”); get rid of the CBC (“Those communists! Not one ‘red’ cent will go to that treasonable crew of reprobates”); do away with the Census (“White people like me are the only ones that matter anyway!); remove all Muslims and other foreign enemies of the state and deport them with all possible haste; declare Canuckistan a military state, while declaring Joe Biden’s U.S. an illegitimate rogue state.
Hey, elections don’t matter. Vote any way you want — won’t make one bit of difference.
A new, halcyon day has been declared in Canada. Hallelujah & praise God!
The Curse of Politics podcast for Wednesday, August 25, 2021.
