Due to server problems which has kept VanRamblings unavailable for most of the day, The Unbelievable Truth has been cancelled for the week. Regular posting will resume Sunday afternoon.

Time once again for VanRamblings’ regular Saturday dish the dirt feature.
This week, we’ll present an abbreviated version of The Unbelievable Truth, cuz there’s a federal election going on in Canada, and we’re all verklempt with the dreadful possibility that Stephen ‘Bush Lite’ Harper may become Canada’s next Prime Minister, and pretty much set about to take what minimal joy we Canadians are allowed to experience right out of our lives.
Twins On The Verge Of A Perv-ous Breakdown

There twinnesses, tweenage heroines Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are about to turn 18

Ah, childhood, it is but a fleeting thing. As not particularly endearing baby twins sharing the same role on ABC’s family comedy Full House, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were once not much more than the latest in a long list of young child actors to inject the requisite cute factor into a sitcom. Now?
You’ve got to hand it to those Olsen girls. Just hours away from their 18th birthday, these barely legal mini-moguls (a recent Rolling Stone story estimated their net worth at more than $300 million) have Hollywood’s jailbait aficionados all atwitter at the countdown to the big 1-8.
Defamer asks, “How will their 18th birthday affect their acting career?” VanRamblings responds: Mary-Kate and Ashley have an acting career?
Paris X-Posed: Ex-Lover Reveals All

Paris Hilton is one naughty heiress

All-around playboy sleazeball Rick Salomon, the mercenary whose sex-romp video shamed hotel heiress Paris Hilton, tells the News of the World this week that Paris …

• leapt into bed with him the first night they met.
• joined him and top Playboy beauty Nicole Lenz in a raunchy threesome.
• hooked up for casual sex with him whenever she felt randy and
• loved showing off her body for his camera so much she that even filmed herself.

“Girls like Paris definitely want to make sex tapes. It’s the baddest thing,” Salomon blurted out while being hauled off by London bobbies on charges of gross indecency, attempt to extort funds from a really rich person, undue exploitation of an heiress almost too clueless to live, and for just generally being one rotten, money-grubbing, narcissistic human being.
Late word in: Salomon may be an alien; more news at 11.

An abbreviated version of The Unbelievable Truth tonight.
Chances are that, due to the federal election in Canada, The Unbelievable Truth will likely appear somewhat truncated through the end of the month. Post June, though, VanRamblings will return to our regular Saturday regimen of dissing and dishing.

From New Yorkish, a bit of diss, a bit of dat.

Like the tragic tale of long-distance spokesman and washed-up 80s TV star John Stamos and his former wife, the über-model/actress Rebecca Romijn, there are lots of couples that just don’t belong together. Today’s edition: German supermodel Heidi Klum and her scar-happy boyfriend Seal, and talented comedian/actress Sarah Silverman and her hopelessly untalented boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel. Like Stamos and Romijn, we can only hope that all parties involved come to their senses and break things off sometime soon.

And our New Yorkish friend has even more to say about the stars …

When not playing the bongos, unfavourite Texan actor Matthew David McConaughey spends his free time at the Hair Transplant Docs, or so it would seem. Turns out that folically-challenged supermodels are also up for a little Rogaine for Women.
Well, that’s it for this week. A big, better Unbelievable Truth next week.

Renée Zellweger: Renée say it ain’t so, or are you just trying to be ‘one of us’

This oh-so-lovely photo from People Magazine suggests that Renée was right on the money when she screamed at a group of paparazzi who were trying to take her photo last week, “I am a normal person!” Yes, sweet Renée, you most certainly are.

Gee, Clay, the same setup did nothing for Tom Cruise, either. Trying to quash those rumours that he’s as gay as a 4th of July parade, failed American Idol Clay Aiken sexually harasses a poor, unsuspecting PR rep. As the Defamer says, “It’s going to take nothing less than full-motion video with penetration to kill those rumours, Clay.” But a nice try nonetheless.
Don’t forget to have a look at Friday night’s special edition of The Unbelievable Truth, an update on the Jessica Cutler story.

Alexandra Kerry

Here’s this week’s potpourri of flotsam and jetsam:
In Hollywood news: The Day After Tomorrow is on track to becoming the second film this month to top $100 million dollars in its opening weekend, with a Friday night opening gross of $24,300,000. Full details of the weekend box office will be published on VanRamblings on Sunday.
John Kerry, Democratic Presidential hopeful, would seem to have more than just Bushie to worry about on the road to the White House. Alexandra Kerry, his oldest daughter (that’s her to the right) could probably use some fashion advice — Paris, where are you when we need you? — given that she appears to be dressed in not quite the appropriate fashion one might expect of the daughter of the person who would be the next President of the United States.
Still, she does look kind of fetching, don’t you think?
Hello, world, I’m this totally famous actor, but don’t go and try and figure out who I am! Did I mention I’m nailing this actress whose name I can’t print?: So says the mysterious Rance, the anonymous A-list actor / author of the ‘cult blog du jour’, as he sets about to skewer Hollywood and the cult of celebrity. Is the anonymous blogger Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Jim Carrey, Benicio Del Toro, Matthew Perry, or Luke Wilson? Whatever the case, once Rance is finally outed (it’s only a matter of time), look for this Hollywood puzzle to become the next big story on the ’Net.
Good to know the people of Chicago are safe: Mayor Mark Delaney and Police Chief Chester Morris, responsible for upholding the law in the tiny Chicago burb of Maple Park, in Kane County, were arrested Friday night in an illegal-gambling raid that played out at a popular local tavern’s steak fry.

Hooters calendar girls go to Afghanistan to cheer up the troops: That’ll make the wives back home feel a lot better, knowing that their husbands’ emotional lives are being taken care of while so very far, far away.
A New York City executive racks up $28,000 worth of champagne and lap dancing in a single evening.

Elizabeth Jagger

Rock ’n roll heaven among the progeny of rock’s royalty: Late Beatle John Lennon’s musician son Sean and model Elizabeth Jagger, daughter of Rolling Stone Mick Jagger, are dating. Confirmation of this comes from none other than Elizabeth’s mother, Jerry Hall. Sean is 28 and Elizabeth is 20. “They are so in love,” says Jerry of the couple.
A fun day at the fertility clinic when the doctor tells the clueless German couple that their childless state is a result of their never having had sex.
Quote of the week: “I’m still boning 18-year-old chicks because I was in Guns N’ Roses. It happens every day to me, so I’ll fucking take it as far as I can.” — sad commentary by Matt Sorum, drummer for Guns N’ Roses.