Making its inauspicious return after an almost month-long summer break, The Unbelievable Truth is back once again to beguile you with tales of the down and dirty, the almost sleazy but not quite, and the kind of gossipy, scandal-mongering information that you could certainly live without, but would you want to? Welcome back constant reader, because here we go:
BRITNEY’S BITS!

We won’t keep you in suspense one moment longer. To kick off the glorious return of The Unbelievable Truth, VanRamblings is proud (well, maybe not proud) to present you with Britney’s bits, a risqué summary of the shenanigans to which every pre-teen girl (and dirty old men in raincoats) once turned their thoughtful attention.
And just what has Britney been up to this summer? According to the New York Post Britney’s going retro with her Greatest Hits album, recording a remake of Bobby Brown’s 80s hit My Prerogative. According to Access Hollywood, in the video for the song, Britney will ‘marry’ a Kevin Federline look-alike. US Weekly reports the two are in talks to become MTV’s new Newlyweds. Says Britney, “I want Kevin to be just as famous as I am.”
JOHN ASHCROFT’S BITS!

John Ashcroft is the Attorney General of the United States. Born in Chicago, Illinois, where his family had moved in order to be nearer to the headquarters of the Assemblies of God church (where he is still active), John Ashcroft was educated in Springfield, Missouri, and at Yale University, where he graduated in 1964.
From 1985 to 1993, he was the pro-death penalty, anti-abortion, anti gay rights, and opponent to gun control Governor of Missouri. In 1994 he was elected to the U.S. Senate from Missouri, where he became a leading opponent of the Clinton Administration. He ran for re-election in 2000 against then-Governor Mel Carnahan, who died in an airplane crash about two weeks before the election. Due to Missouri state election laws, Carnahan’ s name could not be removed from the ballot, and his wife, Jean Carnahan, announced that she would serve in her husband’ s place should he be elected. Carnahan won the election. Poor John Ashcroft left Missouri with his tail between his legs, only to emerge as a key member of the Bush administration.
In tribute to the fine work undertaken by Mr. Ashcroft to limit the liberty of the people of the U.S., VanRamblings presents you with insight into the inner workings of John Ashcroft’s mind. Just what goes on inside the head of John Ashcroft, what makes him tick? To discover the measure of the man, VanRamblings would direct you to click on the picture above.
GRAY LADY POP CRITIC GHOSTWRITES PORN STAR CHRONICLES

Media gossip emanating from the New York Times headquarters on 43rd Street is always bound to set tongues wagging, but the only news this year to set other body parts wagging (fingers, we mean!) was the news that pop music critic Neil Strauss was leaving to ghostwrite adult-film star Jenna Jameson’s memoir, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star (which, according to Publisher’s Weekly is due to become ‘a low-brow classic’). Strauss maintains that it was his decision to leave, but fellow journos had a hard time believing that The Times would tolerate such deviant extracurricular activity from its staffers.
AND OTHER STUFF

For all you budding ornithologists out there, VanRamblings is pleased to aid the cause by directing you to Nice-Tits.org, offering a compendium of T-shirts, coffee-mugs, knick-knacks and other collectibles, presented by the Royal Tit-Watching (Ornithological) Society of Britain. And here we thought the British were so staid. Guess not. How wrong VanRamblings seems to be.

VanRamblings would direct your attention to this very important message from Pleasure Boat Captains For Truth. The truth has been revealed.

Don’t know what to do with the useless, old broken down Pentium II or III computer that’s gathering dust in the basement or the garage? The folks (or should be say psychos) at WeBlowITup.com have an idea.

PARIS BATTERED!

When perennial partygoer, and Simple Life star, Paris Hilton arrived at the club Concorde in Los Angeles last Wednesday sporting a series of strange marks on her arms (and here) and face, insiders from Hollywood to the Hamptons began buzzing about the bruises, wondering whether Paris’ on-again, off-again boyfriend, Nick Carter, a former Backstreet Boy and older brother of singer, Aaron Carter, was the culprit.
By the weekend, the blame game had begun, with friends saying that the bruising on Paris’ body was indeed Nick’s work. Meanwhile, Nick’s lawyer, Martin D. Singer, denied his client’s involvement and told a reporter that Paris’ pals were spreading rumours simply because Paris was angry with her ex.
According to the New York Post, which has never been known to be wrong …

… after she and Carter joined pal Amanda Demme at the Argyle Hotel, where Demme throws a weekly party. “They were dirty dancing together,” said one Argyle spy. “They were very lovey-dovey, staring into each other’s eyes. We all thought they were back together.”
But after Hilton and the ex-Backstreet Boy left the Argyle to party at another club, Joseph’s, the mood turned sour. “Nick wanted to leave, Paris didn’t,” said a Hilton pal, adding, “Nick forced Paris to leave, he made her get in a cab with him.” Hilton alleges to friends Carter later lost his temper. Friends say Hilton is ‘scared to death’. The pal added: “He has major anger-management issues. We have seen bruises on her before and asked her about them. She has always denied it — until now.”

Advice to Paris: If Nick is beating you, file a police report and dump his ass!
Built RAM Tough — With An Ovary Here and An Ovary There
Many of you are familiar with the “Tough Guy” image that truck companies try to create with their television commercials — with all the off-roading and drag-racing up hills with boats in tow (because there’s all that water at the top of hills) … incidentally, most of what you see voids the warranty that comes with such vehicles. Anyway, a Columbia University student poses the question as to just how ‘macho’ a Dodge Ram can be when their emblem is basically the female reproductive system with nostrils:

The Decline and Fall of Western Civilization

We leave you tonight with a sad commentary on contemporary social mores.
The first video game release for the newly merged Vivendi-Universal would appear to be Fight Club, a game version of the utterly pointless and ultra violent Brad Pitt / Edward Norton picture from a few years back. Here’s the trailer (faint of heart take note: there’s a great deal of violence, even if it is cartoon game violence).
And just what kind of example does this type of violence provide for our youth? Watch this gruesome video of two high school girls taking one another on in a friend’s back yard for the answer to that question.

A Lesson for Crispin Glover: When Not To Take LSD

A few years back, actor Crispin Glover had, what appeared to be, a nervous breakdown while visiting David Letterman’s late night show on NBC. Subsequent to Glover’s onstage antics, Letterman swore that Marty McFly’s dad would never appear on his show again. Well, here it is a new millennium, and VanRamblings learns (c/o All Things Christie) that Mr. Glover wasn’t suffering from acute psychological distress, rather … he was making like Art Linkletter’s worst nightmare. Here is Crispin Glover ‘kicking it’ on the Letterman show.
Funnier Than Anchorman: Will Ferrell Makes Like Bush

After spending over $75 million on fraudulent attacks, Bush White House apparatchik Karl Rove is back to selling the true Texas cowboy. Throughout August, Bush campaign commercials will feature President Bush at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. What will these commercials look like? Comedian Will Ferrell takes us for a behind-the-scenes look at ‘White House West’.
Summer at the Movies. A Video With More Heart Than I Robot

Migawd, this has been one lousy summer at the movies. There are no sleepers. Not one film has broken out, unexpectedly, to emerge as a hit. Second week box office drop-offs remain in the 60% range, and from Van Helsing to The Village and The Manchurian Candidate, this has been a summer of disappointment for most dedicated movie-goers. Fortunately, VanRamblings comes to the rescue tonight, presenting this heartfelt glimpse into our future, a video
that is everything that I Robot could never hope to be, whatever the budget.